30/4/2015

Last night was one of those nights that is birthed by the simple idea of hitting the town for a few innocent bevvies and a good laugh with your mates, that ends in bewilderment and everyone goes home drunk, questioning the world and everyone in it.We hit BrewDog and The Forum with an open mind and an rapidly slimming purse (£6.25 for a gin and tonic? Fuck off) - all was civilized and within our expectations of a Thursday night in Sheffield.

Then we went to The Frog and Parrot. We ordered our drinks, went outside into the smoking area. Young chap walks over, wearing a jumper that says "SCALLY FOR LIFE" across the chest, asking to buy a cigarette from me. He offers me his Breaking Bad key-ring in return for a cigarette, I accept. All is well, he seems nice; he takes a seat next to us and he's telling us spoilers about Game of Thrones that he's read in the books and seen on the actor who plays Hodor's personal Facebook page. We're laughing at his enthusiasm despite being blatantly exhausted (he's told us he walked here from Meadowhall) and solemn because his girlfriend left for France yesterday.

He tells us he met Terry Pratchet before he died, who was a "massive cunt" apparently. He's got Lorde and Noel Fielding on Facebook, the latter whom he continually badgers to repay his debts for "stealing all my ideas and now he's making millions. From my ideas". How Noel Fielding came to acquire this guy's ideas, he did not reveal.

Then it all turns sour quicker than you can say "well shit, what the fuck was that?". He switches from sharing his plans to save Westeros to the time a Buddhist monk came to his house because said Buddhist knew he was going to kill himself, and told him he was one of Joan Rivers' ex-husbands in a previous life.
He's telling us he "had money once and it was boring so I threw it all away" yet now he's back to stealing things and getting locked up for stealing things and has no money but that's ok because money shackles you and it's boring. But also that he should "have 600 million, with 12 houses in 12 different countries and colonies of disciples" by now - after we critique him for waxing lyrical about the boredom of money but wanting £600 million, he assures us he'd use all of this money to buy housing for his colonies of disciples and simply want a hot meal in return for his good gestures.

He goes on to inform us he sold some books to Rare and Racy not long back, for a grand total of £50 that he knows he should of spent on food and shelter but what he instead spent on t-shirts that he had next to no use for. I ask him why he did this and he says "because I'm a dumb fuck".

This is the strangest guy I've ever met in my entire 18 and a half years of existence. He gaze was so locked on me that I was genuinely sure he was practicing some form of enchantment at one point, and I could sense my friends looking at each other in desperation and confusion. We were the only ones in the smoking area until two guys came and sat at the table behind us, who knew straight away, without a word uttered, that this guy was fucking nuts and unnerving us a little bit.

Our strange cigarette smoker eventually got up and swiftly left, taking with him an unattended half full glass of cider that was waiting to be collected by a bartender. We hid in the toilets for a while then moved on to the next bar.

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