10 Thoughts That Go Through My Head When Someone Is Late

We all have a friend that is unfathomably late for any given occasion. If you can't name that friend, it's because you are that friend. When it's your friend and they're late for a coffee date, that's (almost) negligible, but when you've arranged to see a new acquaintance or a professional meeting and you're stood waiting, alone and desperate, it can be an embarrassing ordeal. This is my typical thought process during the slow descent into mistrust:
  1. Ok, I'm slightly early. That's not because I'm eager, but because I'm an obsessively organised person. I'll wait outside so when they arrive, it looks like I just got here.
  2. Hmm. Three minutes late, no biggie. The bus was probably slow, or they had to take cash out.
  3. 10 minutes has gone. No text. No call. Interesting. Did we arrange to meet at 13.30 instead of 13.00? No, we didn't. Sigh. It's starting to drizzle. I feel like I'm the subject of a Smiths song.
  4. Maybe if I check my phone again and pretend to type a response to a text, the guy smoking a cigarette on the opposite side of the street will stop giving me pitiful glances?
  5. I didn't imagine this whole thing up, did I? Oh my god what if I've been Catfished?? I mean, I know they're a real person, I've met them before, but it's possible right?
  6. C'mon now, this is just disrespecting my time. Like I don't have better things to do? (I really haven't, but they don't know that).
  7. 22 minutes and 37 seconds late now. My phone battery is draining at dangerously fast speed. Damn this free WiFi network. This pathetic display of loyalty to schedules could become a lot bleaker.
  8. I need to pee. My bladder simply cannot cope with standing for this stretch of time. Downing that cappuccino on your way here didn't help either. Five more minutes and I'm off. Sayonara to what could've been a delightful afternoon of camaraderie. Your loss.
  9. This is it. The end of my social flourish. The official conformation that I should have stayed in bed and watched Bake Off on catch up.
  10. And here they are. An impressive 45 minutes later than the time we agreed - MUTUALLY, TOGETHER, IN STATE OF CONSENT AND UNDERSTANDING - so smile and say "Ooooh don't worry about it, I haven't been here long!" like a good person would, even though you want to throw a sassy comment their way and snap your fingers in a Z formation.
Don't be a dick. Show up on time. You're an adult.

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