The Seven Types of People You Encounter at the Cinema

Now the summer holidays are over, it's safe to go out in public places again without being overwhelmed by the screaming hoards of children, running and throwing themselves around without any consideration or responsibility. We can finally be nosey, critical and miserable in peace. Cinemas are not only an important entertainment and economic asset, but also a prime location for some observational people watching.
  1. The Families: parent and child (like me and my dad, we try to catch at least one new release a week), parents and teenage children probably out to celebrate a birthday or whatever, and then there's young families that only go out when they're all available, i.e. weekends and school breaks. Lesson - avoid going to the cinema at these times because the head honchos cater their film listings to this audience.
  2. The Lone Rangers: I am not ashamed to admit I often go to the cinema by myself. Not to watch soft porn or anything, mainly boredom and because many students like myself lack the funds to feed such a hunger for escapism. Lone rangers usually compensate for the lack of fucks given with coffee and a lil snack. We sit in the middle seat of the middle aisle for optimum viewing.
  3. The Unfashionably Late: knee deep into an intense opening scene and a couple of amateur assholes waltz in, phone lights wavering all over the place in a desperate attempt to find their allocated seats, whispering loudly to one another and they people they need to negotiate with and squeeze past in order to finally sit down. So not fetch.
  4. The Commentators: those without an internal monologue. They like to jump the gun and predict the equilibrium or the ending twenty minutes in, before the narrative's even kicked in properly. My dad expresses his disdain for actor's static facial expressions or embarrassing attempts at accents (recent example, Sean Bean pronouncing 'answer' like a southener in The Martian) and fellow viewer's unnecessary laughter, usually those sitting within earshot of him.
  5. The Critics: the colder, edgier version of The Commentator. Critics appear morose and detached because they're intensely multitasking watching the film, analysing it and figuring out how to remember all that's right and/or wrong with as many minor details as possible so they can spread the good or bad word on social media, in the office/classroom/other place with humans the next day, or a blog post (*raises hand slowly to confess this too*).
  6. The Get-a-Roomers: overly handsy couples, canoodling on the back seats no matter who's sitting in front or next to them. Not just a twentieth century Hollywood stereotype of young teen lovers, this type of cinema-goer is more common than we care to notice, prompting the question "why waste your money like that?".
  7. The "I'm Only Here Because There's Fuck All To Do"-ers: these people are pretty easy to point out. They're either excited and giddy because a trip to the movies is a rare treat or they're bored and pissed off because they'd rather be at home or occupying themselves elsewhere. Who can blame them - the film industry is so notoriously temperamental, there's either painfully slim pickings or all the hotly tipped, promising films come out at the same time.

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